Sunday, December 2, 2012

Sometimes I Write Back to the Stuff I Find in My Spam Box, Part 3

BABE... i guess your not getting any of my email huh? ive been
tryign to email u so many times but this dam laptop is such a piece of
garbage and keeps freezing.. anyways how u been? In case u dont know
who this is its ME Adriana. we used to chat a bit on facebook and then
I think u deleted me :( haha.. anyways guess what.. I got 2 things to
tell u.. both good news.. 1) im single now.. yup me and my bf broke up
about 3 months ago.. and 2) guess where im moving? RIGHT EFFING NEAR
U.. lol.. ur actually the only person im gonna know there.. well 3
cousins too but i cant chill with them lol..I remember when we chatted
u told me u thought i was cute and u wanted to chill so now we finally
can HAHA! im kinda scared to move.. im hoping this email addy is still
the one you use and u can chat with me ebfore i get there.. maybe even
help me move my shit in..are u still on facebook? i cudnt find ui was
soo confused..anyways im gonna need someone to show me the town and
take me out so u better be around bebe..we only chatted a couple
times but i remember thinking to myself i wanted to get ot know u
better when i was single..a nd i thoguth u were cute too but cudnt
tell u cause i wasnt single lol...ok so more info about me.. well im
23.. virgo.. love the outdoors and love to socialize, go out for
drinks, restaurants, movies etc.. travel.. i have a lil kitty named
BOO and i luv her to death..uhhh oh im a super horny gurl too but
every gurl is they just wont admit it. so ilove watching p0rn and all
that.. love sex etc blah blah blah..who doesnt..I really hope we get
a chance to chat for a bit either online or on the fone before i get
there enxt week.. i hope u remmeber me and still wanna chill and arent
married yet lol.. OH YA also.. i need to find a job when i get there..
do u have any hookups or know anybody hiring? id LOVE to work in a bar
or osmehting like that...really anythgin cause my current job is fun
and all.. and technically i CUD keep doign it but i want a change.. i
currently work from home and well thats cool but i need ot be out
meeting people.. oh wait. i dont think i ever actually told u what i
did? hmm shud i......???? ok WELLLL... and dont get all weirded out
on me.. i work on a webcam chat community site and i get paid to chat
with people and get naked HHAHA... BOMB right ? I KNOW.. like i
figure iim horny anyways why not get paid to chat with people and play
with myself heheh...anyways i hope u dont look down on that and NO
once i move and i remembered u live there so im reaching i
said before this computer is a complete piece of CRAP and freezes NON
STOP.. ive tried ot send this email to u maybe 3 times already and im
hopign this time i can hit SEND before i run into trouble lol..
ANYWAYS.. heres the deal...every month natalie (my boss) gives each
of us 3 VIP codes to give out to whoever we want.. so with this code u
can lgoin to watch me at work for free and dont have to pay like
everyone else... the only way i can give u one of the codes (so we can
chat) is if you absolutey DO NOT give it out to anyone else and u ONLY
USE IT FOR URSELF... i only get 3 a month and she gets pissed if more
than 3 people use them so DONT SHARE IT MISTER.. i figured u cud
always email me back instead but my email account doesnt even let me
login half the time.. so the bets palce ot chat me is my chat room...
if theres anyone else logged in when u sign in ill boot them out.. but
U.. im online most of the day now to try and save money for my move..
also since im in such a huge debt already form my student loan :( I
really thingk we need to chat before i get there and make sure u evern
remember me hahha.. anyways ive rambled on and on now and ur probably
soooo annnoyed with me so ill stop now.. im gonna go start work.. i
really hope u come chat me. it wud make my day and releive a lot of my
stress about the move... REALLY i mean that....anyways once i see u in
insdie ill shoot u myc ell number and u can gimme yours.. if u dont
wanna come chat i understand but its really the only palce to find me
now days.. if u email me abck ill probably get it once i get there
after my internet is setup so about 2-3 weeks fomr now.. but im hopign
to see u in my chat room.. rmemeber its 100% free with this code im
INSTEAD OF LICK U IN THE BALLS WHEN IS EE U hahahahha...k babe im out
for now... chat ya soon.. kisses xoxo Adriana FREE VIP BYPASS LINK

Dear Adriana,

I wanted to say thank you so much for tracking me down. Your determination and fortitude more than make up for the fact that I have absolutely no friggin' idea who you are, and so in light of that, we can, and should definitely become friends.

Not close friends, mind you... For one thing I am in a committed relationship, and for another, I'm pretty sure that if I was ever to meet you in real life, I'd end up swallowing a roofie cocktail and wake up in a bathtub full of ice, and minus one kidney.

But friends, nonetheless... Distant friends, the kind of friends where we don't talk or exchange messages of any sort, ever. But if I were to find out somehow that a terrorist cell was planning on kidnapping and brainwashing you for some sort of cadre of dyslexic hooker army, I'd at least try to alert the authorities somehow. As long as there wasn't anything good on television that afternoon.

As for helping you move, I'm afraid I'll have to pass. To be perfectly frank, I loathe moving furniture almost as much as the idea of having my internal organs removed by Russian black market surgeons - this is not hyperbole, if you ask my girlfriend, she'll tell you I've thrown full bore hissyfits just because she asked me to move one of the computer desks to the office upstairs. (I fucking hate that desk- it's one of those pressboard Ikea numbers, the kind that fold like wet cardboard if you try to pick it up before taking it apart. I think if she asks me to move it again, I'm going to break it instead.)

Anyway, I applaud your decision to become a webcam girl. It's a gutsy move, but you'll probably do alright. If I may be so bold as to offer a few tips to help get you started though:

For one thing, this "laptop that keeps freezing up" that you referred to in the beginning of your missive - I'm not a hundred percent sure that it's actually really a laptop. It's possible that you have been duped, and are currently in possession of an old pizza box. I've seen this mistake made time and time again by aspiring members entertainers. If the "laptop" is covered in orange grease and currently gathering flies, it is not a good sign.

Secondly, you mentioned that you are currently paying off some student loans. Reviewing the letter you sent, the spelling and overall syntax, I would immediately stop paying whatever loans you took out for your secondary education, and then go promptly murder anyone who gave you a passing grade in any courses related to either English or Communications. I'm confident that no court would convict you.

Finally, and I say this in the hopes of championing your success as a major player in the adult entertainment industry. Not just anyone can make the jump right away into live public masturbation, on camera, no less. In your case, I would take a "dry run", to make sure that you can actually find your own vagina, you know, without the benefit of a map or something.

Anyway, best of luck to you in your future endeavors, Adriana. And stay away from those bath salts - I hear they're a real motherfucker.

Bugs and Fishes, Will

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