Russia is Seriously Fucking Terrifying

This is one of those things you come across every once in a while that you would probably rather not know, so naturally I'm going to talk about it. I overheard it once as an aside somewhere, and shrugged it off as urban legend. Then a couple of months ago, I was doing research for something and saw the story again.

Okay, so Russia stretches about as far West as the Sea of Japan, creating something called the Strait of Tartary before a finger of Russian soil pushes south, creating a stretch of land between the island of Sakhalin and The People's Republic of China. This area is called the Maritime Territory, and in the Maritime Territory you've got a village called Lazo.

See Lazo? It's just kind of wedged in there, trying to mind its own business. Once upon a time Sakhalin was basically a Russian version of "Devil's Island", home to some 22,000 prison inmates amidst a bunch of migrating families from areas as disparate as China, Korea, and Japan. It's technically part of Russia but it's kind of its own hybrid state. On the other side of Lazo, you've got China, and they've got their own stuff going on. But Lazo is pretty remote, and it's cold, and sometimes there's not a lot to eat there, apparently.

And if you happen to find yourself wandering the forest in Lazo one night, and you happen to come across a few of these furry little guys:

Watch your ass, seriously. Black Squirrels are found pretty much spread evenly across cold-climate areas all over Europe, Asia and the United States, but in 2005 the ones in Lazo completely lost their shit. They started attacking birds' nests earlier in the fall, and then sometime in late November a large stray dog was wandering the forest, nosing low hanging branches and barking into the trees...



Seriously, you don't have to read this next part. If you come back next week I'll do some stuff about another pilot or something. Go grab a coffee, enjoy your day. Or look up some funny cat GIFs or whatever, I really won't mind.

Still here? Alright, but I fucking warned you this story was about to go off the rails. The attack lasted about as long as a television commercial. According to Russian reporter Anastasia Trubitina a pack of black squirrels descended from the trees and (her direct quote) "literally gutted" the dog. Three passersby attempted to intervene, but it was too late, the squirrels scampered away from the ravaged canine carcass, some trailing strips of flesh in their teeth as they climbed back into the branches.

This shit actually happened. Granted, it happened 7 years ago, but last time I checked, Russia's a pretty big, remote place. This happened the one time that we know of. Maybe they just got smarter. Maybe right now, they're sitting in the treetops, watching us, simply biding their time.

Tonight as you're watching those slow, shambling suckers on "The Walking Dead," think about how quickly these little guys move...

How at night, they're all but invisible. Think about how easily they can sneak into the small, forgotten spaces, and think about how they skinned that friggin' dog raw in under a minute. Makes the zombies seem downright fucking quaint, doesn't it?