Sometimes I Write Back to the Stuff I Find in my Junkmail Folder, Part 2

We are giving away 188 memebrships right now to our dating community for adults over 18 years of age.

If you received this email then you can get one of these memebrships…but don’t wait too long or you will miss out.

Come here to get your dating membership:
http://www.(redacted).cmo

Now we need to warn you that after you sign up you will have thousands of women and men that you can choose from to date. So get ready to have a LOT of fun this weekend!


—————
If you would like to not be contacted from us in the future please press on the link below:
http://www.(redacted).cmo

or write to:

Stallion
c/o stalliondating.com FSC Limited
12 Kingslyn Avenue,Kingston
W.I. 10 JM
467z[SSdAm%%Hiz=80,szI8=s8P%2iz=80,szIzzd,[d=Qm6fiz=80,szIzdAROFSSFAW2iz=80,szI8n33R_Ad8,siz=80,sz764


Dear Stallion,

First and foremost please allow me to thank you for giving me the opportunity for once in my life to actually begin a missive by writing the words “Dear Stallion”. I go by either “Will”, or “Billy,” but I was actually considering changing my name to “Laser Cannon McXplosion”. I figured it would be a little punchier, and by adding a “Mc” prefix to my last name, I’d still be able to hang on to my Celtic heritage.

Not that I am assuming that you changed your name, I’m sure lots of people wherever you come from are born with exciting names – but I’ll get back to that in a minute. For now I’d like to talk about this free “Memebrship” to your dating community.
I’ve been giving your offer quite a bit of thought, and I had just a few questions for you. Well, not really questions – not all of them, mind you, but thoughts. Insights, I guess.

Musings.

Whatever - I guess that one of my main issues with you proposal is the fact that out of all the possible numbers of free “Memebrships” you decided that 188 would be a good amount to start off with. Let’s just break this down for a moment:

Assuming that you are marketing your dating site to human beings living in the United States, your suggestion is to gather 188 people together out of (and I’m not 100% sure of this number as of the last census, but it’s pretty close) 270 million. Now I realize that I put a lot of words in between those 2 numbers, and when you have a name like “Stallion” there’s a chance that you can get distracted quickly by things like long, complex sentences - or for that matter, bright colors - so in the interest of hammering this first, very important point home, I’m going to stack those 2 numbers side by side for you, as a matter of comparison.

(188) out of (270,000,000)

Here are some other numbers I just wanted to throw out there, for you to kinda chew on. At its widest point from West to East, the United States is about 3300 miles wide, and from North to South, about 1600 miles long. This gives the US an approximate square mileage of 3,718,000. In terms of square footage, that works out to about one hundred and four quadrillion, give or take a few hundred trillion. While I admire your goal of uniting a few people across that mighty stretch, I’d say you’ve got your work cut out for you.

Nevertheless, I believe that at times, a pure heart and noble goal can move mountains, don’t you, Stallion? Of course you do, otherwise you would not be engaged in that noblest of professions – fostering the creation of loving relationships through the magic of internet dating.

I should mention by now, that alas, I have no need of meeting that special someone at this particular moment. I would have clicked on the link to take me off of your mailing list, but I happened to notice that it seems to be the same exact link that allows a trusting soul such as myself to sign up for your service. This seems somewhat problematic, as does the fact that the snail-mail address at the bottom of the message does not have a postal code, but instead a series of numbers that appear somehow sinister.

I wonder about you, Stallion.

What is your true purpose – is it allowing strangers to reach out to each other across this vast, dark continent, or is it something else – like organizing a consortium of black market kidney harvesters, perhaps. Maybe you’re the leader of a suicide cult – that seems to me a more plausible option, like those “Heaven’s Gate” fuckers who decided there was only so much room in the Magic Spaceship and once their quota was full they punched tickets and opted out without so much as a forwarding address for the rest of us.

Selfish, suicidal, looney pricks they all were…

Sorry, I went off on a bit of a tangent. Anyway, I don’t really know where I’m going here, Stallion. I hope you get your 188 “memebrships” (whatever the fuck that is), and that if you guys are doing the mass-suicide thing, make sure everybody is courteous enough to take one last dump before they swallow down that poisonous kool-aid. Otherwise the clean-up is going to be a real bitch for whover’s in charge of that sort of thing.

Keep on trucking,

Will Millar Explodasaurus McEaglepuncher