Sunday, November 4, 2012

Sometimes I Write Back to the Stuff I Find in my Junkmail Folder, Part 2

We are giving away 188 memebrships right now to our dating community for adults over 18 years of age.

If you received this email then you can get one of these memebrships…but don’t wait too long or you will miss out.

Come here to get your dating membership:

Now we need to warn you that after you sign up you will have thousands of women and men that you can choose from to date. So get ready to have a LOT of fun this weekend!

If you would like to not be contacted from us in the future please press on the link below:

or write to:

c/o FSC Limited
12 Kingslyn Avenue,Kingston
W.I. 10 JM

Dear Stallion,

First and foremost please allow me to thank you for giving me the opportunity for once in my life to actually begin a missive by writing the words “Dear Stallion”. I go by either “Will”, or “Billy,” but I was actually considering changing my name to “Laser Cannon McXplosion”. I figured it would be a little punchier, and by adding a “Mc” prefix to my last name, I’d still be able to hang on to my Celtic heritage.

Not that I am assuming that you changed your name, I’m sure lots of people wherever you come from are born with exciting names – but I’ll get back to that in a minute. For now I’d like to talk about this free “Memebrship” to your dating community.
I’ve been giving your offer quite a bit of thought, and I had just a few questions for you. Well, not really questions – not all of them, mind you, but thoughts. Insights, I guess.


Whatever - I guess that one of my main issues with you proposal is the fact that out of all the possible numbers of free “Memebrships” you decided that 188 would be a good amount to start off with. Let’s just break this down for a moment:

Assuming that you are marketing your dating site to human beings living in the United States, your suggestion is to gather 188 people together out of (and I’m not 100% sure of this number as of the last census, but it’s pretty close) 270 million. Now I realize that I put a lot of words in between those 2 numbers, and when you have a name like “Stallion” there’s a chance that you can get distracted quickly by things like long, complex sentences - or for that matter, bright colors - so in the interest of hammering this first, very important point home, I’m going to stack those 2 numbers side by side for you, as a matter of comparison.

(188) out of (270,000,000)

Here are some other numbers I just wanted to throw out there, for you to kinda chew on. At its widest point from West to East, the United States is about 3300 miles wide, and from North to South, about 1600 miles long. This gives the US an approximate square mileage of 3,718,000. In terms of square footage, that works out to about one hundred and four quadrillion, give or take a few hundred trillion. While I admire your goal of uniting a few people across that mighty stretch, I’d say you’ve got your work cut out for you.

Nevertheless, I believe that at times, a pure heart and noble goal can move mountains, don’t you, Stallion? Of course you do, otherwise you would not be engaged in that noblest of professions – fostering the creation of loving relationships through the magic of internet dating.

I should mention by now, that alas, I have no need of meeting that special someone at this particular moment. I would have clicked on the link to take me off of your mailing list, but I happened to notice that it seems to be the same exact link that allows a trusting soul such as myself to sign up for your service. This seems somewhat problematic, as does the fact that the snail-mail address at the bottom of the message does not have a postal code, but instead a series of numbers that appear somehow sinister.

I wonder about you, Stallion.

What is your true purpose – is it allowing strangers to reach out to each other across this vast, dark continent, or is it something else – like organizing a consortium of black market kidney harvesters, perhaps. Maybe you’re the leader of a suicide cult – that seems to me a more plausible option, like those “Heaven’s Gate” fuckers who decided there was only so much room in the Magic Spaceship and once their quota was full they punched tickets and opted out without so much as a forwarding address for the rest of us.

Selfish, suicidal, looney pricks they all were…

Sorry, I went off on a bit of a tangent. Anyway, I don’t really know where I’m going here, Stallion. I hope you get your 188 “memebrships” (whatever the fuck that is), and that if you guys are doing the mass-suicide thing, make sure everybody is courteous enough to take one last dump before they swallow down that poisonous kool-aid. Otherwise the clean-up is going to be a real bitch for whover’s in charge of that sort of thing.

Keep on trucking,

Will Millar Explodasaurus McEaglepuncher


  1. Hi! I would like to say the fact that you actually succeeded in organizing a splendid blog. Will you be so nice and give an answer to my question. Did you participate in some competitions that involve bloggers?

  2. Unfortunately I got scammed by them and I put up quite the fight. Got my money back from their billing company.

    Accused them of the scam - but they never replied to that aspect.

  3. Dude, that address is real. I just checked Google Maps. Stallion dating is real and this is their headquarter.
    As you can see from the photo, this is one of Kingston's finer neighborhoods.,-76.7997017,270m/data=!3m1!1e3!4m2!3m1!1s0x8edb3e4b193e200f:0x75efb026b7388d86

    1. Real or not, they target little girls. As a father of one, constantly trying to intercept those messages that constantly upset her, I wrote the, mailed them, called them, filled police reports... All I can think to do next is go break their hands so they can't do it anymore. Oh; they know she's a female minor. The spam coming through call her fat, ugly, unlovable, homosexual, and she NEEDS them. I saw some other law suits. Real people or not, I say just drag them in the streets and kill them. Leave the bodies there as an example for other porn sites.

  4. im getting porn spam from that address that i never subscribed to

  5. i get porn spam from them every day. Address at bottom of email:
    Stallion com FSC Limited
    12 Kingslyn Avenue,Kingston
    W.I. 10 JM

    It forces me everyday to remember that I'm single and don't have sex. Most of the emails are about married woman who want to cheat of their husbands with a new man. this forces me to think about the last person i was with romantically. He is now sleeping with a married woman.

    I'm too stubborn to create a new account. i block them everyday and they create a new account everyday. Fun times.