Saturday, September 29, 2012

Has Anybody Seen This Naked Korean Guy's Ass Before?

(Will's note: I wrote this in the middle of the night, while in a fit of sleeplessness and then failed to post it. After reviewing it this morning, I decided to post it anyway, more or less as is.)

Fuck this fucking insomnia. Fuck it with a big, splintery piece of stovewood…

I’ve stated before that any success I’ve had writing stems solely from my taking the business of fools very seriously. If you’re an idiot, I want to get to know you a little better. Engage in stupid and dangerous behavior? Well, that’s just super - I’ve got some questions. Sit down, make yourself comfortable. I’ll grab you a Red Bull or something.

As I write this it occurs to me that the combination of prescription sleeping pills I took about an hour ago may have started to kick in, so if I ramble a bit tonight, please don’t hold it against me.

A couple of weeks ago I came across a story about a purse snatcher in Seoul Korea, who (whom?) after plying his trade one afternoon realized that the local constabulary were wise to his antics and closing in fast. So, the intrepid thief did what any reasonable human being would do - which is to take off all your clothes and climb into the sewers to escape.

I’d like to revise the above paragraph a little (sleeping pills, sorry) for clarification and emphasis. A South Korean National stole a woman’s purse and then evaded the cops by taking off all of his clothes and climbing into the sewers.
I know I sometimes kid around and bullshit here but I assure you this took place. Before I finish here, I will post links to the actual news source to which I refer, but I’m not quite done with my diatribe yet.

First of all, let me say that I’ve never actually been in a Korean sewer before, North or South. I have, however, seen The Host…

And let me just say that if there’s even a chance that shit may have been based on something somebody heard - you know, kinda like the alligators in the NYC sewers - all I gotta say is fuck that noise, bro. You couldn’t get me within a hundred feet of those sewers. I was in Korea once, for like a day, in Pohang. I saw the water there, and I don’t doubt for a second that giant jet-black mutant tentacle frogs could be spawning like goddamned rabbits in that sludge, and nobody would be the wiser.

I strayed there - big surprise. My point had to do with the naked purse snatcher, crawling under Seoul in its catacombs of shit tunnels and monster orgies - the cops caught him.

With a robot.

I know that at this point everybody has completely checked out of this page. You think that the pills have taken hold of my brain and now my tired, feverish mind is just making shit up, but it’s all true, every last word …

I can' stop thinking about this guy, who he was, why he did what he did. But the Choisin Ilbo, TUF, and Nippon News Network have all buried the story somewhere in their indecipherable (at least to my non-Japanese, and non-Korean speaking self's) archives. All I have for now is the video, and a lot of questions. This idiot could be my white whale. Aah… I’m done for the night, it’s taking me a half-dozen tries to hammer out each sentence. Anyway click on the link and see for yoursef. I’m not done with this one yet… It has my full atten-

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