Sunday, September 23, 2012

Kirk Moufe versus The Sharktopus - The Final Chapter

(Will's notes)

I'm so genuinely fucking tired of this guy. It was supposed to be a movie review - nothing all that much, just a few paragraphs on a cute little Roger Corman B-movie, one of those direct-to-the-SyFy network numbers. Maybe if he'd gone with "Frankenfish", things would have turned out differently.

Probably not, though. You see, the problem is Kirk is a complete idiot and a drug-addled menace, who cannot be trusted with guest blogging. Instead of reviewing a movie, he washed down a bunch of psilocybin-laced brownies with several prescription ADHD pills and went on a berzerk rampage. After attempting to destroy every piece of electronic equipment in his girlfriend's house, he stole her car, and things just got worse from there.

I had one last interview with Kirk, and have since been able to check out some of the ensuing court documents and police reports, in order to piece together the rest of the story.

Tammy McLean (Kirk's girlfriend at the time) happened to work for The Mad Cow Energy Drink, LLC as a member of their "Street Team". Which basically meant that Tammy drove around in a car shaped like a giant cow and handed out free energy drinks while wearing a cow print string bikini and fake plastic steer-horns that were affixed to Tammy's forehead via a complicated, time-consuming and somewhat uncomfortable combination of latex, velcro, and hair extensions. It was around 4 pm that Tammy came home and found Kirk and the man known as "Buzzard" in her living room, where Kirk had stacked every television set in the house into a pyramid of sorts.

Kirk was holding a baseball bat and staring at it in confusion, while Buzzard was dumping the contents of a golf bag onto the living room floor. I was able to ask Kirk about this later on, and to the best of his recollection, at that moment he was trying to figure out how to plug the baseball bat into a wall socket, in order to turn it on. You know, so he could destroy what he'd termed "The Sharktopusatron".

Tammy asked them exactly what the hell it was they thought they were doing. As she had just walked into the house straight from a promoting gig, she hadn't had time to change out of her outfit yet, nor to remove the horns. Kirk and Buzzard, hallucinating massively by this point, assumed that Tammy was some sort of demon that had been summoned to prevent them from smashing the Altar of Sharktopus. Both of them immediately jumped out of the living room window, screaming their heads off.

In a perfect display of drug-logic, Kirk and Buzzard then doubled around the front of the house and back to the garage. Tammy McLean, being a creature of habit, had hung her keys on the hook right next to the garage door. Kirk swiped the keys and the two of them liberated the cow-car in a violent display of smoke and screeching tires.

The next few hours were somewhat of a blur. Although nobody was hurt, there was massive property damage along with the theft of several of these:

I don't even know what the fuck you're supposed to call those things, but Kirk and Buzzard stole over two dozen of them from various used car lots, pay-day loan centers and at least one road-side taco stand. In the few chances I've had to speak with Kirk since the whole incident I've been able to gather that by this point he and Buzzard were intending to assemble their own Sharktopus, although Kirk can't recall whether the intent was to have theirs do battle with the original Sharktopus or to build him a mate.

Anyway, it all came to a head sometime that evening as one of the summer monsoons hit Phoenix pretty hard.

The cow-shaped car, which was already aerodynamically unsound before the addition of thirty-or-so massive balloon streamers, began veering wildly across the road and crashed into a man-made lake just outside the Chandler Gardens Pita Jungle. Several diners witnessed Kirk and Buzzard clamber out of the lake and disappear into the dust storm before the arrival of police/EMS vehicles.

Kirk and Buzzard have both ignored my advice to turn themselves over to the authorities, and instead have opted to flee to Norway and start a Black Metal band. They are currently auditioning guitarists.

Tammy has recently changed her Facebook status from "It's complicated", back to "Single".

I wish them all well, and truly hope they get their shit together.

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