Sunday, October 7, 2012

Sometimes I Write Back To The Stuff I Find In My Junk Mail Folder


Let me start by introducing myself. I am Mr Cheung Pui director of operations Hang Seng Bank Ltd. I have an obscured business suggestion for you. Before the U.S and Iraqi war our client Major Fadi Bassem who was with the Iraqi forces and also a business man made a numbered fixed deposit for 18 calendar months, with a value of twenty four million five hundred thousand United State Dollars in my branch. Upon maturity several notices was sent to him, even during the war. Again after the war another notification was sent and still no response came from him. We later found out that the Major and his family had been killed during the war in a bomb blast that hit their home.

After further investigations it was also discovered that Major Fadi Basem did not declare any next of kin in his official papers including the paper work of his bank deposit. And he also confided in me the last time he was at my office that no one except me knew of his deposit in my bank.

As you can see, twenty four million five hundred thousand United States Dollars is still lying in my bank and no one will ever come forward to claim it. What bothers me most is that according to the by-laws of my country at the expiration of 9 years the funds will revert to the ownership of the Hong Kong Government if nobody applies to claim the funds. Against this backdrop, my suggestion to you is that I will like you as a foreigner to stand as the next of kin to Major Fadi Bassem so that you will be able to receive his funds.


I want you to know that I have had everything planned out so that we will come out successful. I have contacted an attorney that will prepare the necessary document that will back you up as the next of kin to Major Fadi Basem, all that is required from you at this stage is for you to provide me with your full name and address so that the attorney can commence his job, after you have been made the next of kin, the attorney will also file in for claims on your behalf and secure the necessary documentation for
the movement of the funds to an account that will be provided by you.

There is no risk involved at all in the matter as we are going to adopt a legalized method and the attorney will prepare all the necessary documents. Please endeavor to observe utmost discretion in all matters concerning this issue. Once the funds have been transferred, we shall share in the ratio of 70% for me, 25% for you and 5% for any expenses incurred during the course of this operation. Should you be interested please send me your private phone and fax numbers for easy communication,
you can write me via my private box ( ) and finally after that I shall provide you with more details of this operation.

Your earliest response to this letter will be appreciated.

Kind Regards,

Mr. Cheung Pui.

Dear Mr Pui,

I cannot express to you how grateful I am that you, a complete stranger would entrust me with your millions of dollars. I consider it a great honor that you think of me first, as opposed to the hundreds, if not thousands of people that a reputable financier such as yourself must have at your beck and call. I feel kind of like Hal Jordan must have when he learned that he was selected for the Green Lantern Corps, only without either the inconvenience of space travel or those green tights that no doubt bunch in the crotch like it’s nobody’s business.

I’m also sorry to hear about the bomb blast that killed your client’s entire family, in the middle of dinner, no less. You seem terribly broken up about that bit of news. I’m sure that after years of handling this client’s complicated and important financial matter, you must have felt a bit like family yourself - well, maybe not family per se, but a favorite pet. Or a favored pet, or maybe just a pet.

Maybe more like one of those mangy one-eyed cats that hang out at the dumpster, waiting on scraps of food, or the occasional used tampon to chew on (Oh come on, you’ve never seen a feral cat chewing a used tampon? They love that shit - it’s like, well, catnip.)
Anyway I’m sorry that your client and his whole family exploded. As for me being listed as the next of kin for an Iraqi Major that I’ve never heard of, and have no possible relation to, the idea sounds absolutely foolproof. You sir, are a genius and a credit to the entire Hong Kong banking system.

However, as much as I would like to assist you in this matter, and collect my (no doubt) millions and millions of dollars, unfortunately all of my money is currently tied up in beanie babies and Haitian Penny stocks. I do, however, know of several Nigerian Princes - go-getters like yourself - that would no doubt jump all over the opportunity to collect some mad cash from dead or disposed war criminals, or whoever it is you represent. I took the liberty of forwarding all of your information to their Outlook Express accounts and you should be hearing from them quite soon, no doubt.

Kindest Regards,

Will Millar

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