Sunday, June 17, 2012

My Open Letter to Latin Pop Sensation Shakira

Dear Shakira,

I learned by perusing the news today that lately you have been under attack by Mother Nature. According to several sources, within a 24 hr period you were first terrorized by a pack of wild baboons, and then in Cape Town a sea lion tried to eat your face. I believe that this is in no way hilarious. Nobody deserves to be devoured by wild animals.

Shakira, don’t despair, and don’t think for one moment that the universe has finally had enough of you and your never-ending flow of brain-cell destroying aural pablum like Waka Waka, and that higher powers are now trying to have you killed. The most important thing you can take away from these near brushes with death is that even if there was some sort of cosmic Grim Reaper, and he was in fact throwing blind roundhouse punches at you, the fucker missed. Twice.

What I would do if I were you is skip your plans to check out a bunch of namby-pamby penguins next, grab fate by the balls, and head straight to the nearest hippopotamus dwelling. I feel that facing down an enormous, ill-tempered dung-flinging creature weighing 2 metric tons that has a reputation for killing for more humans than all the other animals in Africa combined is the only way to go from here.

Remember that you’re a star, Shakira, and that Mother Nature is your bitch. This is the same verve you displayed when you got down face-to-face with a sea lion, and I’m confident that you can transcend the same horrific lack of judgment to an art form.
I understand that hippos are fearsome brutes, which is why I’ve enclosed the following as a visual aid to help you overcome any trepidation you might have about hippos:

Oops, that one was a little terrifying, sorry. Here’s a different photo, in which the subject is a bit more endearing:

Not so bad, right? Here is the same photo again, only this time I’ve taken the liberty of drawing in long eyelashes. I encourage you to do the same, only up close and in person.

Okay, so admittedly, I’m not really good at painting. Ignore the black pinwheels of death that are spiraling from the hippo’s abysmal, soulless eyes and concentrate on what I’m saying. You deserve to see some hippopotaumus, Shakira. The world deserves to see you see them, too.


A fan of music

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