Thursday, August 30, 2012

More Than One Monkey Assassination

Let me start off by saying this: I really, really hate monkeys. Really.

No, really.

I hate monkeys so goddamn much that if I was locked in a room with a 6-shot revolver, a monkey, and Zombie Fucking Hitler, I'd fire all 6 bullets into the monkey and take my chances clubbing Hitler to death with the empty gun. Monkeys are highly intelligent, vicious, stronger and faster than us, and totally not averse to scooping handfuls of fecal matter out of their asscracks and hurling shit-missiles with near lethal precision. Fuck chimps, fuck howlers and fuck rhesus macaques.

What did these furry little creatures do to become the object of my ire, you ask? Well, let’s review a list:

Chimps have a tendency to break out of captivity and disfigure people. Some dude a couple of years ago had his face ripped off by a chimp that escaped from a New York zoo – I don’t even have a joke for that, it’s too fucked up.

Howler Monkeys, well they haven’t done anything other than have a completely horrifying name (as do spider monkeys). That and the fact that they’re goddamned motherfucking monkeys are enough to make me want to wipe them off the face of the planet. At this point I realize that I sound kind of like a bad guy, perhaps one of the antagonists in Rise of the Planet of the Apes or some shit, but in my defense, remember what happened in every other Planet of the Apes film? So, why the fuck are we rooting against the zookeeper any damn way?


Let’s talk about the rhesus macaque, before folks start getting all worked up about my anti-monkey sentiment. The rhesus macaque is a small, highly intelligent quadripedal omnivore, suited to pretty much every climate found in Asia, which if you weren’t sure, ranges from rainforests to desert to snow-capped mountains, so pretty much all of earth. Rhesus macaques can survive anywhere, and their diet is identical to ours. Because of that reason, rhesus macaques have been steadily moving en masse out of the rain forests and into industrialized regions of China and India, increasing exponentially their raid on crops and general propensity for mayhem.

How bad is it, you ask?

(Bet you didn't think you'd see a compsagnathus riding a skateboard today, did you? Well you were wrong.)

In 2007 a group of macaques invaded a condominium development in Delhi, resulting in the death of one man as he fell from his terrace fighting off the monkey horde. Now, for those of you who don’t know, the average rhesus macaque is about a foot and a half long and weighs in at 15 lbs. So this was a lot like that guy in Jurassic Park 2 who got killed by the little compsognathuses, (Compsognathi? Compsognatheese?) except that it really happened. Oh yeah, and this guy happened to be the Vice Mayor of Delhi.

This event was the nadir of what officials in India have described as a “plague of monkeys” that has been, well, plaguing major metropolitan areas in India for several decades. The phrase “plague of monkeys” is a direct quote from the BBC article, and not my own words. It also happens to be a pretty fucking God-awful group of words to see lumped together like that. The fact that the second most well-connected figure in the city was still easy prey for coordinated monkey assassins should be a fluke, a one in a million thing, right?


In 1920 the King of Greece died of “complications due to multiple monkey bites”. He had been touring the National Garden of Athens when a pack of monkeys attacked his dog. King Alexander stepped in and got his hand good and mauled for his efforts, and a few days later (remember this was 1920, a good 8 years or so before Alexander Fleming discovered penicillin) his wounds grew infected and he died. As horrible as this is, if you’re going to go out, defending your dogs from a marauding monkey gang is a pretty fucking honorable way to go. King Alexander, I salute thee.

Oh yeah, going back to the Delhi incident -The absolute worst thing about this whole situation is the fact that the Delhi government has deemed that the best possible solution to this is to train teams of larger, more vicious Langur Monkeys to exterminate the macaques. I can only presume that the next step in the plan involves importing baboons to get rid of the langurs, and so on and so forth until every square inch of India – from shores of the Bay of Bengal, to the borders of Bhutan and Bangladesh, are awash with a seething mixture of blood, tears and boiling monkey shit.

And I heard a voice in the midst of the four beasts
And I looked and behold, a pale monkey
And his name that sat on him was Death
And Hell followed with him

More Sources:

The deputy mayor of the Indian capital Delhi has died a day after being attacked by a horde of wild monkeys.
SS Bajwa suffered serious head injuries when he fell from the first-floor terrace of his home on Saturday morning trying to fight off the monkeys


  1. My first visit to your blog and I'm treated to face-ripping plagues of monkeys. This is AWESOME.
    I'll be back! No monkeys, I promise.

    (Totally OT: Ever been to Kind of the opposite of your seething rage toward gibbon-kind, but similar in tone. Verrrry satisfying.)

  2. Hola, Laurie! Per your advice, I just checked out fupenguin and it's pretty awesome. Thanks a ton for steering me over there, and come back soon.