In Advent of the Zombie Holocaust

Requiem for a Crackhouse

2011-09-24T16:37:00.000-07:00

As I still haven't figure out how to convert myself into pure energy, I am required to do things like pay bills and eat, so I work. Sometimes my job requires me to do very unpleasant things. Case in point: I've had the pleasure of spending the last few days cleaning out a condemned apartment building in a fun little section of West Phoenix known as Sunnyslope. The odor inside of some of the units inspired the following story:

Once upon a time there lived a fat dirty hippie who hated soap so much, that he outlawed it from ever crossing his doorstep again. Years went by, and the smell finally got so bad that the 14 feral cats who lived with the hippie decided that they'd had enough, and split. This made the hippie very sad. So, in remembrance of his beloved ferals, he dumped all the water out of his 4 foot bong and filled it with cat-piss instead. Then he loaded the bong and smoked it. Naturally, this killed the hippie, and he began to rot on his couch.
Some time later, the bong grew self aware. It celebrated its new-found sentience by eating the hippie's dead body. Then the bong took a dump on the couch, shut off all the air-conditioning and left.

The End.

Welcome to Maryvale...

2011-09-09T20:03:00.000-07:00

14 years ago I moved to Phoenix without knowing a whole lot about the different areas. My mode of transportation was a Royal Blue 1970 Dodge Adventurer which had about 250 million miles on it. The engine had this quirky habit of bursting into flames without so much as a warning light, so for the first few days I stayed at a Motel 6 just of 51st Ave and the I-10, otherwise known as Maryvale. On the 3rd or 4th night I was awakened by what cursory experience as a Marine allowed me to identify as an Uzi going off for a full 2 minutes, just outside my motel room. 2 minutes doesn't sound like very long, but in Uzi-time, it's a while. I moved the next day.

Over the years I've found that most people who've spent a day or two in Maryvale have similar stories.

Today through the course of my day-job I found myself in Maryvale again and noticed that in an effort to improve the place they've taken to putting up signs that read: Welcome To Maryvale... A Vibrant Village!

I liked the signs. They were and colorful and kind of gutsy. Only a few of them were gang-tagged. However, I felt that perhaps they didn't capture the true spirit of Maryvale, so I've come up with some suggestions for an alternative slogan. City Council members please feel free to help yourselves.

1 - Welcome to Maryvale... On the other hand some of the prostitutes are women.

2 - Welcome to Maryvale... For your safety, please roll up your windows and lock your car doors.

3 - Welcome to Maryvale... Now (mostly) West Nile Virus free!

4 - Welcome to Maryvale... We don't know what that smell is, either.

5 - Welcome to Maryvale... Would you like to buy some crack?

6 - Welcome to Maryvale... DUCK!!!

What does it all mean?

2011-09-04T10:58:00.000-07:00

I started this page as a means of randomly capturing thoughts that I might want to refer back to at some point. Then I used it as a way to communicate with personal training clients. Now that I am no longer in the business of training people, I find that I still might have a need - strike that, perhaps compulsion may be a better word for it - to express thoughts and feelings in this format. I guess a lot of people do, otherwise the word blogging might have come into existence as some horrendous sexual euphemism.

So if anybody accidentally comes across this page at some point, or especially if some of my former clients check up on this page to see if I'm updating (Dave, Cheri, Kari, Paula, etc.) I have a word of warning:

Please do not take anything you see written here even a little bit seriously. Any advice I may post, it would probably be a safe bet to do the exact opposite from here on out. Also please don't judge any bad grammmar or misspelled words too harshly. Thank you, and enjoy your lunch.

Bugs and Fishes, Will

Strength Work

2011-03-28T12:48:00.000-07:00

1 - 3 x 5 Front Squat

2 - 3 x 5 Bench Press

3 - 3 x 3 Overhead Squat

3/28/11 - 4/3/11

2011-03-28T12:40:00.000-07:00

Hey guys, hope all goes well this week.

1 - 21/15/9: Thrusters (95/65), Pull-ups

2 - 1 Rd: 50 Box Jumps, 50 DB Swings (50/25), 50 Sit-ups, 50 Hang Power Cleans (95,55), 50 Back Extensions, Run 1 mile

3 - AMRAP in 15 Mins of the following: 5 Deadlifts (225, 135),10 DB Push Press (45, 20), 15 Push-ups, 25 Air Squats

Strength Work

2011-03-21T19:50:00.000-07:00

1 - 3 x 10 Back Squats

2 - 3 x 5 Strict Shoulder Press, Push Jerk (Complete your 5 presses, then Jerk the same weight)

3 - 3 x 3 TGU heavier than last week

3/21/11 - 3/27/11

2011-03-21T19:47:00.000-07:00

Hey y'all. Hope all is well, were you go

1 - AMRAP in 10 mins: 25 Box Jumps, 15 DB Swings (45/25)

2 - 7 Rds of the following: 10 Ground to Overhead (95/65), 30 Air Squats

3 - 3 Rds of the following: 400m Run, 21 KB Swings (53/35), 15 Pull-ups

Strength Work

2011-03-14T19:32:00.000-07:00

1 - 3 x 5 Heavy Thrusters

2 - 3 x 5 TGU

3 - 5rds Max Sit-ups, 1 minute per round, 1 minute rest between rds

3/14/11 - 3/20/11

2011-03-14T19:28:00.000-07:00

1 - AMRAP in 15 mins: 9 Front Squats (135/75), 15 Box Jumps, 30 Mtn Climbers

2 - Tabata Squat Jumps, rest 1 min. Tabata Burpees, rest 1 min. Tabata DB swings (50/35), rest 1 min. Tabata Row, rest 1 min

3 - 21/15/9: Back Squats (155/95), DB Shoulder Press (45/25), Push-ups

Musings, Part II...

2011-03-14T11:51:00.000-07:00

Okay, so we're now getting close to the 90 day mark for the new year. Traditionally working in gyms, this works out to be the end of the honeymoon period for most people's relationships with the New Years Resolutions that they swore up, down and sideways that they'd stick to this year, by God!

At best, they've managed to stick to it about 60% of the time. At worst...

Well, I'm sure that this doesn't apply to you. After all, you've been 100% with your diet so far. And you haven't missed a single work-out, right?

Anyway, the good news is that it's not your fault. Well, it's not entirely your fault. Your problem isn't a lack of motivation, more a lack of a clear direction. Let the healing begin.

What you need, more than anything, is clear-cut quantifiable goals. I'm not talking about fitting into a swimsuit, I'm talking about scaling a certain mountain, or bench-pressing your bodyweight 25 times, or being able to hold your breath for 2 minutes. All of these things are activities that can be attained through the practice of other activities.

The difference between setting an action-based goal versus setting an aesthetics based goal is that it takes the focus away from what you don't want, and it puts it squarely on what you want.

Most people look at themselves in the mirror and say things like, "If only I didn't have these love handles," or "If only my butt was a little bit smaller/bigger/whatever". Stop focusing on your ass. You can't even really see it most of the time, so who cares?

Focusing on an activity is powerful.It empowers you by taking the question of past actions and genetics off of the table. So this week I want you to meditate on a goal that you want to accomplish by June 1st. Then figure out what sort of things you should be working on during your workout to achieve that goal. Then get after it. If you're disciplined about it, you'll probably end up fitting into that swimsuit anyway. Good luck.

Strength Work:

2011-03-07T18:59:00.000-08:00

1 - 3 x 5 Front Squats

2 - 3 x 3 Deadlifts

3 - 3 x 3 Clean, Press, Jerk

3/7/11 - 3/13/11

2011-03-07T18:53:00.000-08:00

Hey folks, glad to see everybody working hard and staying focused this week. Here ya go...

1 - 5 rds: 20 wallball (20 / 14), 30m bear crawl

2 - 10 rds: 15 Box Jumps, Row 250m

3 - 1 round of the following, take breaks as needed: 90 wallballs (20/14), 90 push press (45/65), 90 SDLHP (45/65), 90 box jumps, 90 KB swings (53/35)

2/28/11 - 3/6/11

2011-02-28T17:45:00.000-08:00

Hey folks. In an effort to create a better plan for your weekly conditioning drills, I'm going to be listing suggested weights for each workout from now on. The prescribed weight for the men-folk will be on the left side, for the wimmen-folk it'll be on the right. So for instance, if I list DL (225 / 135), that means if you are a dude, you're deadlifting 225 lbs, if you're a lady you're deadlifting 135 lbs. Hope that's clear enough. Any questions e-mail me.

Here's the drills for the week.

1 - 21/15/9 of the following: OHS (95 / 55), Burpees

2 - AMRAP in 15 mins of the following: 10 DL (225 / 135),15 push-ups, 25 air-squats

3 - Run 3 miles

Enjoy!

Strength Work:

2011-02-21T18:30:00.000-08:00

1 - 3 x 5 Back Squats / 3 x 3 Deadlifts

2 - 3 x 5 Front Squats / 3 x 5 Bench Press

3 - 3 x 5 Power Cleans / 3 x 5 TGU/side

2/21/11 - 2/27/11

2011-02-21T18:22:00.000-08:00

Hope you guys are having a good week, here you go...

1 - 21/15/9: Deadlifts, Air Squats, Run 400m

2 - 5 Rds of the Following: Overhead lunge 40 feet, 20 Burpees

3 - 1 Rd: 30 Wall Ball, 30 KB Swing, 30 Box Jumps, 30 Push Press, 30 SDLHP, 30 Back Extensions, 30 Sit-ups, 30 Burpees

Enjoy!

Strength Work

2011-02-07T17:05:00.000-08:00

1 - 3 x 5 Front Squats

2 - 3 x 3 Clean/Press/Jerk

3 - 3 x 5 TGU

2/7/11 - 2/13/11

2011-02-07T17:00:00.000-08:00

Here we go...

1 - Run 400m, 50 Box Jumps, 50 DB Swings, 50 Sit-Ups, 50 Back Extensions, Run 400m

2 - 4 Rds of the following: 10 OHS, 15 Burpees, 20 Push-ups, 25 Squats

3 - AMRAP in 20 mins: 25 Wall-Balls, 50 Rope Skips, 25 Jump Squats, 50 Rope Skips

Strength Work

2011-01-31T09:59:00.000-08:00

1 - 3 x 3 One arm heavy dumbell presses

2 - 3 x 5 Turkish Get Ups

3 - 5 x 3 Back Squats

1/31/11 - 2/6/11

2011-01-31T09:55:00.000-08:00

Well hello again, one and all. Nice to be back in PHX, hope you had a good, productive week. Here it is:

1 - 21/15/9: Deadlifts, Burpees

2 - 25/20/15/10/5: SDLHP, Push Jerks, Box Jumps

3 - AMRAP in 15 mins: 100 rope skips, 15 Dumbbell Swings

Enjoy.

...And this week's strength work

2011-01-19T17:34:00.000-08:00

Sorry about the late post, guys. Here it is:

1 - 3 x 3 Clean, Press, Jerk

2 - 3 x 3 Deadlifts

3 - 3 x 15 Back Squats

Enjoy!

1/17/11 - 1/24/11

2011-01-17T18:25:00.000-08:00

Hey guys, hope the week has been a productive one. Here it is:

1 - 21/15/9 Deadlifts, Overhead Squats, Run 400m

2 - AMRAP in 15 Mins: 25 Hardstyle Swings, 15 pull-ups, Run 400m

3 - 25/20/15/10/5 of the following: Wall Balls, Burpees, Run 400m

Be sure to stretch your calves thoroughly before and after each workout, enjoy.

Strength Work:

2011-01-10T18:43:00.001-08:00

1 - 3 x 3 Power Clean / Press / Jerk

2 - 3 x 10 Overhead Squats

3 - 3 x 5 Turkish Get-Ups

1/10/11 - 1/17/11

2011-01-10T18:38:00.000-08:00

Hope everybody has a good week. Here you go...

1 - 4 Rds: Run 1/2 mile, 25 Heavy Dumbbell Swings, 15 pull-ups

2 - 50/40/30/20/10: Squats, Hardstyle Swings, Push-ups

3 - AMRAP in 15 mins of the following: 10 Clean and Jerks, 10 Box Jumps, 10 Burpees

And your strength work...

2011-01-03T09:52:00.000-08:00

Keep it simple this week.

1 - 3 x 5 Back Squats

2 - 3 x 5 Deadlifts

3 - 3 x 5 Military Press

Merry New Year!!!

2011-01-03T09:45:00.000-08:00

I'm going to forgo any windblown diatribes on resolutions and goals and blah, blah - who gives a @#%$#^#?!!

It's simple. Eat less and move more, or if you're focused on building LBM eat better and move more. That's it. Good luck this week.

1 - 4 rds: 10 Burpees, 8 squats, 6 wall balls, 4 jump squats, 2 dive-bomber push-ups

2 - 21/15/9 Deadlifts, pull-ups, push-ups

3 - 3 rds: 15 Back Squats, 15 Clean and Jerks, Run 400m

Strength Work

2010-12-23T16:49:00.000-08:00

1 - Find your 1rm for Deadlifts

2 - 3 x 5 Overhead Squats

3 - 5 x 3 Clean, Press, Jerk

Workouts for 12/22/10 - 1/2/11

2010-12-23T16:44:00.000-08:00

Okay, last ones for the year!

1 - 4 rds: Run 1/4 mile, 50 dumbell swings

2 - 25/20/15/10/5: Thrusters / Box Jumps / Pull-ups

3 - 5 rds: 10 Wall Balls, 10 Squats, 10 Jump Squats, 10 Burpees

Musings...

2010-12-23T16:29:00.001-08:00

Okay, so imagine that right now an army of intergalactic overlords have climbed into their space galleons on Planet Omercron Perseii-8 (Yeah, it's a Futurama reference, get over it). These ships are on their way to Earth, where the slobbering tenatcled horrors plan on picking up some new slaves. They only need about 4 and a half billion slaves, any more and their planet's carbon footprint starts to go through the roof. This amounts to about 80% of the Earth's current human population.

Here's the thing - Like most sentient lifeforms, the Overlords of Omercron Perseii-8 are kinda lazy. They're gonna grab their 80 percent, but they're looking for the slow, the weak, the ones who aren't going to put up much of a fight (I know that a bunch of slow, weak slaves doesn't sound appealing, just stick with me on this, I'm going somewhere). Now the interstellar slave galleons left today, which means that if you calculate the number of light years, adjust for the change in several time zones, it means that they're due to arrive... December 31st.

What a bummer. I'm sure that if they had arrived two weeks later, it'd be a whole different story. Most of us would be ready to fight tooth and nail, maybe armed with nothing more than a sharpened popsicle stick, but we'd have it in us to fight hard.

Okay, it's not the most subtle allegory ever, but whatever. My point is, there may be lots of reasons to skip the workout today, but there's always a more compelling reason to get in the goddamn gym, too. It's just not always as visible as the couch. Get off your asses this week at least two more times, at least for an hour. It may end up saving you from alien slavelords, a runaway bus, or the ever-present legion of shambling blood-thirsty corpses. Or, it may just make you feel better about the 2 and 1/2lbs of buttered crap you end up shoveling down your throat in celebration of the Baby Jesus. Good luck this week.

... And the strength work 12/13 - 12/19

2010-12-13T11:13:00.000-08:00

Be sure that you're doing this after the warm-up and before the conditioning work.

1 - 3 x 5 Heavy Thrusters

2 - 5 x 2 Power Cleans

3 - 3 x 10 Turkish Get-Ups (With a dumbbell)

Conditioning workouts for 12/13/10 - 12/19/10...

2010-12-13T11:01:00.000-08:00

Look forward to seeing everybody tonight, as I know you've all done a wonderful job staying on track so far. For the rest of this upcoming week, here are your choices:

1 - 3 rds of the following: Run 400m, 21/15/9 deadlifts, 21/15/9 dumbbell push presses

2 - AMRAP in 20 minutes: 10 SDLHP, 15 thrusters, 20 box jumps

3 - Row 2000m, then 100 squats, then 100 push-ups (partition as needed)

Hit me up with any questions you may have... Good luck!

... Strength bias work for the week:

2010-12-07T14:06:00.001-08:00

For this week I want all of you augmenting your workouts with the following movements. Pick one for each task:

1 - 3 x 10 Back Squats (That's 3 sets of 10 repetitions, 'kay?)

2 - 3 x 3 Deadlifts (If I have to explain that, you've got bigger problems than GPP)

3 - 3 x 5 Turkish Get-Ups (Use a dumbbell, not a kettlebell)

As always, call or post questions. Later.

Here we are....

2010-12-06T19:23:00.000-08:00

Thanks for checking in here, obviously if you guys have any questions you know how to get in touch. I'll be playing with the format over the next few weeks and months in order to make this a worthwhile place to stop by. So qithout many further ado, here's your tasks for 12/6 - 12/13

1 - 4 rds of the following: 25 pull-ups, 25 dumbbell swings, run or row 400m (that's 1/4 mile, folks)

2 - 100 pull-ups, 100 push-ups, 100 sit-ups, 100 squats

3 - AMRAP in 15 minutes of the following: 5 Clean and Jerks, 10 Burpees

Good luck, and I'll see y'all Monday!

Featured Album of the Week

2010-07-06T16:34:00.000-07:00

Heavy Metal in its purest, most undistilled form, is like good art. It requires no explanation. It's something that you feel when you listen to, a loosening in the viscera that creates a sense of belligerent exhilaration. Nobody in the business of creating heavy music does this better than Matt Pike, and no album is more fully realized than their fourth send-up - DITC. Pike's thunderous riffs weave seamlessly with drummer Dez Kensel's rolling staccato blast-beats, conjuring images of Fratzetta-esque sorceresses and Viking warlords riding into battle on armored triceratops.

Download this track: Fury Whip

The Windmill

2010-06-25T16:52:00.000-07:00

So, earlier in the week I suffered some pretty horrendous back spasms warming up with a set of embarrassingly light front squats. Form was okay (as far as I know), and I attribute the injury to spending large chunks of time in front of a computer, on my ass, balancing on a pile of couch cushions.

This is what I'm choosing to take away from the incident.

#1 - I should probably shop for an inexpensive chair to sit on while I type.

#2 - Massages feel frickin' great! This point is probably not news to a lot of people, but the injury led me to getting my first professional massage. The experience was almost worth the injury, but I digress.

#3 - And here we get to the real point of this blog, which is...

Take care of your spine, people. If your going to spend an hour or two a day working out, work the important shit first. Forget about your arms and do some real strength work on the muscles that matter. I vow to spend at least a little bit of time each week on this:

Start with no weight at all, and then work your way up. The 3 x 5 / 5 x 3 template should work fine, after warming up, but before strength work. 2 x a week, no more should be fine. Enjoy.

El Oso # 2

2010-06-22T17:39:00.001-07:00

Okay so this is the companion piece to Friday's complex. Think of it as #1's hotter, more devious little sister. Use a lighter weight and concentrate on speed and explosiveness. (And good form, natch)

4 rds:

6 Snatch Grip Deadlifts
6 Snatch Grip High Pulls
6 Hang Power Snatches
6 Overhead Squats
6 Box Jumps
40 meter shuttle run

Featured Album of the Week

2010-06-21T14:07:00.000-07:00

I figure I'll start each week with some recommended listening. For my first featured album I went with one that's near and dear to my black little heart.

Terrifyer by Pig Destroyer

Now 2007's Phantom Limb has been regarded as many as the breakthrough album for this Virginia based grindcore trio, but Terrifyer will always be the album that made me sit up and take notice. Clean production (Thanks to Scott Hull) on head slamming tracks with a dark, eerie concept thread that winds through the entire album. These guys play their instruments the way Evel Knievel rides motorcycles.

Download this song: Gravedancer (The sampling that starts up at 1:37 seconds into the track is spooky as hell!)

El Oso # 1

2010-06-18T17:38:00.000-07:00

I just finished the final edit. 10 months from start to finish, give or take a few weeks. 8 hrs a day on average in the last few months, when the thing finally started to walk on its own. Now I'm back to having a reasonable amount of time on my hands, and this site will start to look less like a random smattering of ideas. What I'm going to do with it, ultimately I don't know. For now, I know how to train people, so I'll try to devote a little bit of time each day passing on what I've learned. Hopefully, if you've stopped by, its been worthwhile for you.

Anyway, I'm a huge follower of Dan John's training principles, and this workout is cribbed from some of his ideas. Enjoy!

4 rounds:

Bear Complex

6 x Deadlift
6 x High Pull
6 x Hang Power Clean
6 x Front Squat
6 x Push Jerk
40 Meter Bear Crawl

Haiku composed on a cocktail napkin while getting hammered at a go-go bar somewhere in Portland:

2010-06-04T07:26:00.000-07:00

anterior tilt
a catholic schoolgirl fetish
complete with braces

The Good Heavy

2010-06-03T17:58:00.000-07:00

Do what you love.

I love lifting heavy objects, sometimes throwing them as far as I can. It's weird, but that's how I'm wired. I also like Lucio Fulci films.

If you're like me, (I mean as far the whole heavy lifting thing goes - if you bailed after watching a few minutes of Ciudad de los Muertos Vivientos, don't worry, we're still cool) then here's something you might like:

What you'll need -

A moderately heavy kettlebell
A truck tire
Either a prowler sled, or a tow rope (I don't have a prowler, so I just loop the tow rope through the truck tire – Boom! Instant sled.)
A sledgehammer

You're also going to need a good thrashy CD. That's right, a CD. If you like a band, then quit downloading a song of theirs at a time like a cheap bastard and shell out the 15 bucks for the album. They appreciate it. Trust me.

Here's the workout:

Track 1 – Kettlebell Long Cycle Cleans
Track 2 – Kettlebell Long Cycle Snatches
Track 3 – Tire Flips
Track 4 – Sled Pulls / Pushes; Usually I've been doing one of each for about half the song.
Track 5 – Sledgehammer Swings
Track 6 – Rest
Track 7 – Repeat
Lately I've been doing this workout 2 x a week, either to Massive Aggressive; by Municipal Waste, or Every Time I Die's New Junk Aesthetic. Both CD's are 12-13 tracks of really high tempo brutal thrash, with songs that end right at 3 minutes or less, which is about all I can sustain for each exercise before projectile vomiting.

Will this workout make your arms bigger? Maybe, but not as well as doing a bunch of barbell curls and close grip benches.

Will it make you stronger? Probably, but again there may be better ways to strength train. In fact I know there are.

This workout is basically an expression of joy in all things heavy for the mentally unhinged. Try it out, and feel the love.